


Angst

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-03
Updated: 2006-03-03
Packaged: 2019-05-30 09:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15093983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Danny must make a choice: His career or CJ.





	1. Angst

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

"Angst"  


Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin, et al. The song "You're to Have, Not to Hold" is from Madonna's "Ray of Light" CD. No disrespect or infringement, to either party, is intended.  


Note: Okay, Folks, I figured out that I'm officially in a slight funk. Even though it was my decision and I'm not changing my mind, this New Year's Eve will be the first boyfriendless one in eight years, hence the slight funky cloud setting in. So I figured I'd write this and get it out my system. You know, project my feelings onto others (others being CJ and Danny) ;-).   


 

 

CJ was sitting at her desk. She sometimes kept the radio on low just to help her relax. Today was one of those days. The interesting part of it was that no matter where she was, she kept hearing the same song getting played. It was on at home, in her car, even at the deli, and now here in her office. Was there no refuge?   
That damn song is beginning to get on my nerves. She started to get up to change the station but something stopped her.  


To have and not to hold  
So hard yet so cold  
My heart is in your hands  
And yet you never stand   
Close enough for me to have my way  


Oh, my God. That song could be from Danny! No wonder I'm reacting to it. She decided to leave it on, figuring that she was hearing it so many times in one day for a reason. Now the challenge would be to find out what that reason was and if she was ready to face it or not. I'm probably not. Danny has already told me a thousand times that he'll have me anyway he can and I have turned him down about nine hundred and ninety-eight out of those thousand. I've already had so many chances. There's nothing left.   


To love but not to keep  
To laugh but not to weep  
Your eyes are pure and pure  
And yet you never do   
Anything to make me want to stay  


Oh, yes, you have. You've done everything in your power to make me want to stay. I just can't stay with you. We both know that a conflict exists, yet you keep coming back. You keep trying to catch me on that one day when my defenses are down. When I'll say everything that I feel in my heart. But I can't do that. Everyone has made sure to tell me that I'll probably lose my job if I have a relationship with you and get caught.   


I go straight to you  


That part is true. We do seem to seek each other out. I can see you doing it but why am I? Because I like you more than I want you to know. More then I want anyone to know. So when I'm upset, I look for you because you make me feel better.  


I've been told  
You're to have, not to hold  


It feels so good to be in your arms, when I allow myself to be. The warmth of your body radiates through me. It's enough to warm my heart inside and out. That's why I can't let you hold me anymore. That's why I stiffen when you come near me. I know it hurts you but I don't have too many options left. I'm getting weaker in my reserve. I can feel it. I can't let you feel it, though, because you'll start asking me out again and I can't afford that. I may not have the energy to refuse you at this point.   


To look but not to see  
To kiss but not to be  
The object of your desire  


Oh, I love the way you make me feel when we kiss. I know I am the object of your desire, without a doubt. You wouldn't chase me for a year, if I wasn't. Eventually, though, someone else is going to be. I'm going to regret that day, I know it. With every fiber of my being, I know it. I will have wasted every opportunity I had so I won't have anyone else to blame but myself.   


She wiped the tears away from her eyes and grabbed the files she'd need for the next briefing, which was in about five minutes. With any luck, the reporters would go easy on her. Maybe they'd just think she's sick or something; thats why she's so pale. As she was leaving her office, Carol looked at her with concern.  
"You okay?"  
"Hmm? Yeah, I'm fine." She began walking to the Press Room.  
"You're always fine, CJ. That's what worries me."  
"No need to be worried, Carol, but thanks. Sometimes that helps. Now, come on, the reporters will be looking for me."  
"Especially a certain red-head."  
"Enough with the cracks. Danny doesn't look for me anymore and we both know it."  
"Yeah, I noticed that he doesn't come around your office unless it's for exclusives. I miss him."  
CJ gave her a strange look but decided not to follow up with a comment.   


The briefing went well. Except for that tiny moment when her eyes welled up. The emotion came and went so very quickly that most of the reporters probably hadn't noticed. She was sure Danny did, though. He didn't ask any questions for which she didn't yet have the answers. On any given day, that is considered a successful briefing. She hated it when he knew about stories before she did. The only redemption in times like that was how Danny would usually give her a heads-up so she'd know what to expect from the Press. Of course, with things the way they were between them now, he'd probably stop doing that also. He was spending less and less time around her. Funny, people noticed when he was all over me and now they notice that he's not. I just can't win. I can't seem to win at all these days.   


She went to Toby's office. She had gotten into the habit of doing that lately. This time, he wasn't there. Strange. He very rarely misses my briefings. She headed back to her own office. Peace, tranquility, serenity, that's all I need. Ha, the guys would say I had just said the same thing three ways. I guess I really do need time for myself.   


When she got back to her office, she noticed that her door was open half-way. Strange, usually she left it all the way open or completely closed. Maybe somebody left a message for me. Carol put her hand out to stop her before she went into the office.   
"Toby and Danny are having it out in there about something."  
"Oh, lets see, what that could be. Umm, me, perhaps? I'm sure you've heard my name by now, Carol."  
"A few times."  


Just then, the male voices grew louder.  
"Why don't you think about CJ for a change?"  
"I always do. I notice her every nuance. I notice her emotional states: when she's happy, sad, tired, well rested. I notice everything about her."  
"But not that she can't date you. Interesting, huh?"  
"I have always understood that CJ was warned off dating me."  
"And yet you did nothing but chase after her. Knowing that she was going to get into trouble because of you never once slowed you down."  
"Yes, it did. Toby, you're a lawyer. You know who gets in more trouble if we had that relationship."  
"Yeah, CJ."  
"No, ME! You're an idiot. You're not thinking. You want to protect CJ from me so badly that you're completely overlooking the fact that I, hear me, I can't date HER. She's the Press Secretary, for crying out loud. I can't date her and you know it."  


CJ was very interested in this part of the conversation. She had never heard Danny so animated, even during their most heated arguments. She also didn't know that Toby was supposed to be aware that Danny was the one who would get into more trouble then she would if they were together.  


"Danny, calm down."  
"No. I have no reason to. If CJ was out there, she'd have come in by now. Carol will mind her own business, so let's just continue our conversation. Oh, I'm sorry, you called this a meeting."  
"Yes, I did. What makes you think that you'd get into more trouble? CJ's reputation would be in taters. You just move on."  
"No, Toby, you're wrong on both accounts. CJ could rebound. The press wouldn't give her that hard a time. It would seem difficult at first, but she would weather it. She's strong. I, on the other hand, would be fired. That's not quite the same as moving on."  
"You'd be fired? As opposed to just changing jobs?"  
"Fired, Toby. Where do I get my stories?"  
"From sources."  
"Who?"  
"You never say."  
"Don't play stupid, Toby. Everyone knows you're an intelligent man. Who is my main source?"  
"As the Press Secretary, CJ is your main source."  
"One hundred points to the man with the permanent grimace on his face!"  
"Don't be glib."  
"I can't sleep with my source. I'd get fired for compromising my journalistic ethics. I'm the one who stands to lose everything and yet I still tried."  
"Why, Danny, why would you do something so stupid?"  
"Because I love her."  
"I knew it. I once told her that's why you were so relentless."  
"Yeah. At the same time that you were telling her to stay as far away from me as possible. Nice friend you are."  
"I AM a good friend. I've known CJ for years now. I asked her to join the Bartlet campaign. She came because of me."  
"Leo sent you to get her. She came because you thought Bartlet was a good guy. She trusted your opinion about him but don't overestimate your powers of persuasion in all areas of her life."  
"I don't" He looked down at the floor. "You'd get fired?"  
"You've always known I would."  
"You love her?"  
"Yeah. I can't stop thinking about her."  
"I'm so....sor...I'm sorry, Danny. I can't help you and protect her at the same time. First and foremost, I have to protect my my friend."  
"Do that, Toby."   


CJ decided that it was time to interrupt. She went into her office as if she had just arrived.   
"Why is my door closed and what are you two doing here?"  
The guys looked very uncomfortable. Both unsure of what to say to her.  
"Okay, you both work with words for a living and yet neither of you have any for me. Am I right?"  
"Yeah, I have to get back to my office." With that Toby left, pulling the door fully closed behind him.  
"You overheard some of it, CJ. I know you did."  
"How could you possibly know that?"  
"Because you would've come in here differently. Something about the way you came in makes me believe that you were outside for at least part of our conversation."  
"Oh, because you notice everything about me, right?"  
"Yeah, I do. Well, that tells me how much you overheard."  
"Shoot. Yeah, I guess it does. Why weren't you honest with me?"  
"Because I would have been giving you another reason not to date me. It's like giving the defense the key to getting his client off the hook. Honestly, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be with you."  
"I would never have even considered anything knowing that you'd be fired. I would never take that chance, Danny."  
"I would."  
"Because you love me?"  
"That's right. Can I say it to you in person?"  
"No."  
"I love you, CJ. I just wanted you to know that." He had moved closer to her as he spoke. He reached out his hand to caress her cheek. The feel of his hand on her skin sent shivers through her.   
"Danny, please don't do anything that we'll regret."  
"Meaning that if I kiss you, you'll respond?"  
"Danny." He moved in closer and covered her mouth with his. Tentatively at first but more passionately the minute she responded. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly, not wanting this moment to end.   
"I love you, too." She whispered almost inaudibly against his mouth just before she kissed him again.  


Many minutes passed before they moved away from each other. Actually, their bodies were still close, only their faces moved back.   
"I heard what you whispered."  
"I was hoping you did."  
"What happens now?" He was holding her hands and looking straight into her eyes. He didn't want to miss anything she had to say, verbally or otherwise.  
"We go back to work and act like this never happened."  
"What?" He moved back as he spoke as if he had been pushed.   
"If you heard what I whispered, then you heard what I said in my regular voice. Nothing can come of us, Danny. I will not allow you to lose your job because of me. No way. It wouldn't be right."  
"I'm a big boy, CJ, I can make those decisions myself. I want to be with you and now I know that you feel the same way. Don't do this."  
"I have to. Go away, Danny."  
"You're gonna miss me." He looked sadder then words can describe. He seemed crushed actually.  
"I already do." She tried not to look at him but had to. "Go away, Danny, please."  
He wrapped his arms around her in a big bear hug. They were both crying. For the hurt they felt inside; for the pain they had caused each other; for the relationship that seemed never to be; for the love never to be explored and shared. 

 

 


	2. Angst 2

"Angst" 2   
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Just trying to keep the old brain free of cobwebs during winter break. Don't sue! Please!  


 

CJ had gone home immediately after her conversation with Danny. It was the end of the day, anyway. Nobody would dare force her to stay when she looked as visibly shaken as she did. All she wanted to do was go home and snuggle up in bed. Alone, as usual, she thought.   


At the next morning's briefing, she noticed that Danny wasn't there. Okay, now he can't face me. Great! Actually, he won't quit. If he was going to, he would have taken the Editor job. Okay, he must be on a story. Jesus, which one? We haven't done anything outstandingly ridiculous lately so it can't be about us. I hope.   


She found Toby waiting for her when she got back to her office.  
"Is this a new ritual?" She greeted him.  
"No. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."  
"Of course I'm okay. I'm always okay. Right, Toby? I'm always fine." She was near tears as she sat down behind her desk. She was trying to pretend that the desk was a barrier between them.   
"You're not always fine, CJ, that's why I stopped by. Yesterday was a rough one for you both. I'm not so insensitive as to not realize that. Why do you think I closed the door? Because I think you and Danny should be together? Hell no! I've spent the better part of the past year making sure that doesn't happen. I closed it because I knew you both needed to talk without interruptions." She had gotten up while he spoke without him realizing it or noticing the fire in her eyes.  
"You have spent the better part of the past year making sure that doesn't happen? What are you my probation officer? When were you appointed as my personal guardian?"  
"CJ, relax, that's not what I meant." He was holding her back with one hand. She's stronger then he gave her credit for when she's angry. She broke away and hit him on the chest.  
"How dare you? The one thing that I've wanted above all else and you made sure I'd never have it." Tears began slowly falling from her eyes and she was softly hitting his chest while she spoke. Toby grabbed her hands and turned her around so he could hold her from behind.   
"I was wrong, I guess. CJ, I am so very sorry. I had no idea that the feelings between the two of you ran as deeply as they apparently do. I was just trying to protect you."  
"You stood around and watched me fall apart. Then you acted like my friend and tried to cheer me up. The whole time, you always knew what was going on. Danny was right. You've always known that he was in more danger then I was. I mean, yeah, being Press Secretary is a once in a lifetime chance which I don't want to lose, but Danny's life is reporting. If he got fired. What would he do?"  
"Take an editor's job."  
"He had the opportunity to do that and he turned it down." She moved out of his arms.  
"I guess he didn't want to date you all that much." He didn't see the fist till his chest felt it. "Ouch, CJ, you know, I understand that you're upset but beating the crap out of me is not going to make you feel any better."  
"Yes, it is. That was a very hurtful statement you just made. He wants to date me, he just doesn't want to have to give up his job to do it. The same as me." She was now leaning against her desk, wiping her face.   
"Okay, it was mean. I have never apologized so much in my life. Is there anything else I need to apologize for while I'm here? We could just do a whole clean slate thing."   
"I guess not. You're pretty good at getting me to figure out when you're trying to make amends. I'm used to you by now."  
"Okay, then I'm glad I stopped by."  
"Why? Because you got me to cry? I've been doing that since yesterday."  
"What happened between you and Danny? Everything, CJ. So I know how to really help you."  
"He loves me."  
"I know, he told me."  
"He told me he loves me and I said it back." He raised his eyebrow at that. "Because I do. So help me, God, I do. I can't stop." She was fighting back the tears again.  
"Then what?"  
"We kissed each other with every fiber of our beings. Our hearts and souls were in that kiss." Toby seemed to be stepping closer to the door as she spoke. "Where are you going? You ask me to open up and talk to you about everything and you're practically leaving midsentence."  
"I was gonna tell you before I left that I was uh, leaving. I just, er...I just...this isn't really my area of expertise, you know? I was just thinking maybe I should go get Josh. He is just great for stuff like this. I know you need to talk and he could listen and you'd let him hold you and stuff like that. You know, stuff I'm not comfortable with. So I thought I'd go get Josh, like, er...right now. So if you could hold that thought. He'll be right here."  
"No, I can't hold that thought, you insensitive clod." She closed the door and stood right in front of him. "You asked me to tell you everything. I thought it was because you're my friend. I guess it was just to be nosy. To see how far we went. The minute I didn't mention making love on the sofa, you lost interest. Figured you'd get Josh. Well, yes, I'd actually prefer Josh at this moment, but guess what, you're too late. You opened the floodgates and now I can't wait for Josh to get here." Without thinking, Toby wrapped his arms around her and held her as tight as he was comfortable doing.   
"I'm sorry, CJ, I know I keep saying that today but I really am. I thought...I just...I just figured you'd be better off with Josh as your confidante. He's better at this emotional stuff then I am, plus he's kinda rooting for you two to get together."  
"I know he is. That's why he's so much easier to talk to then anyone else. Toby, do you know why you are the perfect person for me to talk to about this?" She had moved away from him to be able to look into his eyes. His fingers immediately began fiddling around with his wedding band. "That's why." She pointed to his hand. "Because you know what it's like to love someone so deeply and not be able to be with them. I assumed that you, more then anyone, could understand what I'm going through right now."  
"I do. Honestly, I do. The only thing that makes your case even sadder then mine is that I know what I've lost and you don't. You never had the chance."  
"Thanks to you and many others around here."  
"I won't change my mind about that, CJ. That was good advice you got."   
"What if I don't want to listen anymore?"  
"Then don't and deal with the consequenses. For both of you."  
"That was dirty. You know I would never take a chance on messing up Danny's career. I would never do that." She was crying again. "Do you know where he is? I didn't see him in the Press Room this morning."  
Toby hesitated but decided to answer truthfully. "I heard that he needed a break from this place so he asked his editor to give him an out-of-town assignment on something going on at some airport in New England. He's expected to be gone at least a week. The story will run as a series of four parts. I guess the extra days are research-related. Actually, no, he's not gone for a week because of the story. After he finishes it, he wants to go on vacation for a few days."  
"I'm impressed. I expected an 'I don't know' out of you. I got so much more. How do you know all that?"  
"You know that reporter Gillian? The one who doesn't like you because Danny doesn't pay her any attention 'cause it's all on you? She takes pleasure in knowing things about Danny that the Senior Staff doesn't know so she kinda keeps me informed at times when she thinks it'll hurt you most."  
"Why'd she think that telling you all about his story would hurt me? Letting me stew in my doubts and insecurities would hurt me far worse." CJ let out a strained sigh mixed with a small chuckle.  
"You want me to tell her that? She can remember it for the next time."  
"You want me to hit you again.?"  
"No. I think you've bruised my body enough for one day. Can I leave you now? Are you gonna be okay?"  
"Yeah, I'm gonna be as good as I can be. Thanks, Toby. I'll manage. I always do."  
"You always do. And if you can't you've got Josh." He cocked his eyebrow at her and a small smile tugged at the edges of his mouth. "And me. You got me, too. Anytime. Anywhere. Just call, okay?"  
"I will."  


CJ was barely able to manage to get through the next couple of days. The reporters assumed she was just coming down with something. Nobody on the Senior Staff teased her that what she was coming down with was a Danny-related sickness. They all knew her pain went too deep for jokes this time. She went to inform Leo that she was out of there as of Thursday. Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and depending on how badly she felt, Monday, she was off-limits. She was to be paged for emergencies only.   
"Like, oh, I don't know. Yeah, CJ, it's me, Leo, somebody just blew up the White House, serious. Okay?"  
"Got it, Kiddo. You do what you gotta do for yourself. You look like hell. Everybody's noticed. It's been two days now and it's not getting any better."  
"That is precisely why I need to go away. Completely undisturbed."  
"Where?"  
"You can always reach me by beeper and cell phone. I don't know where I'm going. It just needs to be isolated so I can mourn in peace."  
"Mourn? CJ, I didn't realize it was that serious."  
"To nobody but Danny and I. Nothing has ever happened between us, Leo, so get rid of that worried look. It's completely harmless."  
"No, it's not or you wouldn't be running away. CJ, if you decided not to listen to our advice anymore, would you let us know so that we had a heads-up on any potential conflicts?"  
"No, because everything would be a potential conflict to you guys. I've already been kept out of the loop, I won't let that happen again. I guess everyone will just find out at the same time."  
"CJ?"  
"At this moment in time, Leo, I am telling the truth. No, I am not meeting Danny. I am slinking off to my own personal hideaway, wherever that may be. I just wanted to let you know in advance so you could tell Sam he has to cover my briefings."  
"And I appreciate that."  
"Bye."  
"Bye."  


There was a thin FedEx package on her desk when she got back. She looked it over. No return address. No hint as to what was inside. Oh, now what? Bomb threats before I even leave? I'll never get out of here at that rate. When she opened the package, she was surprised at the contents. A note, some airline tickets, and a small postcard with cabins on it. She read the note first.  


CJ,  
Harvey Milk once said: 'The important thing is not that we can live on hope alone, but that life is not worth living without it.' How is possible that we can admit to loving each other and yet do nothing about it? If hope is a necessary part of life, then we should be able to hope for an opportunity to explore our feelings. Give us this weekend to see what happens. No strings. We talk. About everything and anything. We hold hands and each other, because we love to do that. Making love would be an incredible experience but it is not a necessary part of this weekend. If it happens, it will make our days together that much more special. If not, then it's not the right time and I am not one to rush things.   
You should have noticed the tickets by now. They're so you can fly to T. F. Green Airport in Warwick, Rhode Island. I rented a car so I could get around for this story I'm working on. I could pick you up at the airport and take you to the Litson Villas in Kittery, Maine. You should also have noticed the postcard by now. Those cabins are hand made by the proprieter, Gary. It's a great place. We could drive to Short Sands Beach in York and have the entire beach all to ourselves at this time of year. Walking hand in hand on a beach. Freezing our tootsies off. Sounds romantic, huh?  
She could just see him smiling, with twinkling eyes, as he wrote that.  
Right now, I'm at the Days Inn in Cranston. You can reach me there if you need to. If I don't hear from you, I'll assume you're coming and meet you at the airport on Friday morning. Please come. I offer you nothing but myself. I expect nothing from you but whatever you can give. We can do this, slowly, carefully, lovingly, if we set up the boundaries. All we need are the right parameters and we'll last. A few years of sneaking around and then we'll get married when Bartlet's out of office. Hey, don't get mad! I'm just kidding about that last part!  
I love you,   
Danny   


She was weeping again. Oh, Jesus, when will this crying end? Okay, now I have to figure out if I want to spend the weekend with Danny. The man I want to be with most in life, right now. Sure, I want to spend the weekend with him but I'd be crazy to do it. Oh, well, I have two days to decide. 

 

TBC

 


	3. Angst 3

"Angst" 3  
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Honestly. Do you know how much a college student makes?   


The butterflies in her stomach woke up just as she stepped off the plane. She claimed her luggage. Okay, so I always pack too much. I probably should have left the work at home. Oh, well, too late now. I don't have to do it if Danny keeps me busy. Hmm. Where is he? She didn't see him anywhere in the waiting room. She decided to check outside. There he was, standing by his rental with a sign that read 'CREGG' on it.   


"I haven't forgotten what you look like."  
"I know. And I still remember what you look like. Hello." He opened the passenger side door for her, then put her luggage in the trunk.  
"Hello. What's with the sign? You intentionally want to look like a chauffeur?" He didn't answer her. He just walked around to the driver's side of the car. "Thanks."  
"For what?"  
"For opening the door for me."  
"I'm a gentleman, CJ. I thought you would've figured that out by now."  
"I have. What's up with the sign?"  
"I wanted you to notice me from inside. It was also a great diversion if I ran into anyone I know."  
"Press?"  
"Yeah. Anyway I didn't so I really didn't need the placard. Good trip? I'm glad to see you." He briefly held her hand.  
"Great trip. Don't ever complain about the early hours we depart from this day forth, though. Why so early?"  
"Because I only have a few days with you and I wanted to get as much out of them as possible." He smiled sheepishly at her. To his surprise, she leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips.  
"You are so very sweet. I'm glad to see you, too."  
"You gonna help me drive?"  
"Sure, just let me know where to go."  
"Well, I'll start out driving. We're just going on I95-N straight to Maine, so it's easy. You'll probably be driving then, so just get off on Exit 2 and we're there. Okay?"  
"Sounds like a plan. Do you mind if I'm quiet sometimes during the trip?"  
"No, I honestly thought there wouldn't be too much said while we're driving there. I planned on talking over the weekend. Why?"  
"I'm just tired." She leaned her head back on the headrest.  
"And?"   
"And we tend to get emotional when we talk about this stuff and a car is not a conducive environment for that kind of exchange."  
"Definitely. We'll be there in about three hours, if I stick to the speed limit."  
"Which you will because we are not going to get pulled over for speeding. We're not even supposed to be together." She was sorry she added that last sentence but she couldn't take it back now.  
"Right. I can see where that would be a problem." He turned the radio up a little louder, in essence eliminating any possibility of further conversation. It seemed they would ride the rest of the way in virtual silence; each lost in thought.   


They were in Massachusetts before they knew it. Danny pulled over on the shoulder of the road. CJ was asleep. He put his hand gently on her cheek to wake her.  
"We're here already?" She looked around her. "Danny, what's wrong? You want me to drive?"  
"That's not how I had imagined the greeting would go."  
"Huh? Oh. No? How did you imagine it?"  
"Like this." He moved towards her, wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her soundly. They didn't break apart for a long time.   
"I like that greeting better." She was smiling as she hugged him again. "Come on, let me drive now. I'm awake and you could probably use the rest. Let's switch."  
"You sure? You looked pretty comfy there while snoozing."   
"I'm sure. You walk over, I'll scoot."  
CJ had already adjusted everything to suit her height by the time Danny got into the car.  
"You're short." She teased him.  
""No, I'm not. I'm almost as tall as you. Boy, they have to move the chair back an inch and suddenly you're short."   
"Hush." She kissed him once more before she started driving. "Don't read..."  
"CJ, don't ruin it. I know we like to kiss. It's okay. We'll talk when we get there. Drive. I need to sleep."  
She smiled at him but he had already closed his eyes and settled in for the ride.  


The place was easy to find and Gary immediately recognized Danny. CJ was introduced to him and his wife Koula. She had to listen to them praising Danny for a few minutes. Then Gary stated that 'the lovebirds' should go to their cabin and just let them know if they needed anything. Grinning, he told them Koula would take care of it.   
"What did they mean by calling us lovebirds?" CJ asked as they were walking to the cabin. "Are we in the same cabin?"  
"Yes, but it's a cabin with two bedrooms so we each have our own personal space but still can talk whenever we want. I saved us a lot of time. Come on, let's just unpack. You get the smaller bedroom because it has more privacy. See? I'm ever the gentleman."   


After they had unpacked, CJ sat on Danny's bed. His room was the open one with the TV. CJ had the bedroom with the door on it. "You hungry?"  
"I take it you are. Let's go to the Sunrise Grill. But we gotta make it now 'cause they close at 2."  
CJ gave him a glare. "At 2?"  
"Hey, it's not like it's a big city or something. Don't be such a snob." He threw a pillow at her. She returned the favor. Danny grabbed her and pulled her down on the bed. They began to kiss and he rolled on top of her.   
"Uh-uh, Danny. Let's go eat. We talk when we come back."  
"We sleep when we come back, then start talking."  
"Maybe." She gave him a suggestive smirk.  
"Don't start what you're not prepared to finish."  
"Good point. Okay, we eat, drink and be merry, for we must sleep, we've got miles to go before we figure out this relationship."  
"CJ, don't kill the classics. Let's go."  


Danny seemed to have made friends with the local people. CJ waited to comment on it till they got back to the cabin.   
"You seem to know a lot of people. How often do you get up here?"  
"As often as I can. I love the place. That's why I wanted to share it with you." He put his arms around her. "Sleep with me."  
"What?"  
"We already made the plans, CJ, remember? Eat, sleep, talk. Come here. I'll play nice."   


They laid down on the bed together.   
"You can stay over on that side if you want, CJ."  
"I don't want to. I wanna be in your arms. I trust you." She snuggled into him with her back towards him; spooning. She heard Danny moaning behind her. "You okay?"  
"Oh, yeah. Go to sleep." He pulled her even closer to him and closed his eyes.  


They woke up refreshed and ready to start tackling the reason they were both there.  
"Okay, Danny, we could save ourselves some words and time by just saying the problem as briefly as possible. Then the other one answers the first thing that comes to mind. Deal?"  
"Deal."   
They sat down at the table facing each other. Danny grabbed her hands.  
"Conflict." CJ started.  
"Over rated and overly discussed."  
"Conflict."  
"Job loss."  
She flinched at his honesty. "Consequences."  
"Thought of them all." Danny shrugged when she stuck her tongue at him. "I have. We can get past them."  
"Discovery."  
"Truth."  
"You want us to tell the truth?"  
"Yes. Better we look like stupid lovers then conniving liars."  
"Good enough. Secrecy."  
"Necessary evil." He smiled at her.  
"So you're okay with it?"  
"If it means that we can be together."  
"You know that we'll have to hide our work from each other most of the time, right?"  
"Right. But not most of the time, just when there is a clear conflict."  
"Can you deal with that? Honestly?"  
"Yes, how about you? You seem to run faster then I do."  
"But I eventually let you catch me. I can deal with it. We can't be too obvious at work because no one can know if we decide to do this. We'll also have to be very careful where we go outside so no one misunderstands anything between us."  
"Josh could probably know after a while."  
"Josh knows only after WE know where we're headed. This can't go fast. Seriously, Danny. If we do this, it has got to be slow."  
"Okay, we go slow. I mean, we already make out. We've already admitted to loving each other. The only thing left is lovemaking. I'm a patient man."  
"You wanted me when we took the nap."  
"I didn't say I didn't want you, I said I'm a patient man." He leaned over the table to kiss her. "We done?"  
"No. There's more left to do before we make love. We could spend more time talking, getting to know each other outside the office."  
"Okay. I'm game. We are going to spend the rest of the weekend together doing just that, right? I have a bunch of places I want to take you."  
"Take me."  
He pulled her out of the chair and into his arms. They thoroughly enjoyed their next kiss. He didn't want to let her go.  
"Start showing me."  
He pulled her towards the bed.  
"All the places you want me to see, take me to one of them."  
"Oh."   


TBC

 


	4. Angst 3a

"Angst" 3 cont'd  
Disclaimer: the same as before  


Danny had taken her to Rosa's in New Hampshire. It was a small restaurant with an even smaller dance floor. They got lost in the crowd; something CJ did not mind at all. When they returned to the cabin, they had kissed and exchanged their 'good nights' and gone to their own rooms.   


In the morning, CJ was the first to arise. She came out of her room without paying too much attention to herself because she hadn't heard Danny moving around and thus assumed he was still asleep. As she was reaching for some orange juice in the fridge, he got up.  
"Whoa, aren't you quite the site first thing in the morning!"  
"Leave me alone. I could've combed it first but then you would've teased me about being shallow." She offered him the glass of OJ she had just poured for herself.   
"Thanks. I could use this."  
"How'd you sleep?"  
"Horribly."  
"Why?"  
"Because you were in the next room." He smiled at her. "How'd you sleep?"  
"Better then I have in a very long time."  
"Why?"  
"Because you were in the next room." She gave him a quick kiss while announcing she'd be ready to leave in thirty minutes. "What's on the agenda for today?"  
"Breakfast and then the beach. It's a good thing you were bundled up when you arrived. It gets very cold there in the winter."  
"You could always help warm me up." She said from the bathroom.  
"Promises. Promises."   


The beach was almost completely empty. There was a couple walking their dog and another couple jogging. That was it.   
"You weren't kidding when you said this place shuts down for the winter. I can't believe how empty the beach is."  
"That's because you're used to going when it's warm. Not too many people go by the winter unless they live here."  
"Or unless their crazy friends bring them."  
"Is that what I am? Just a crazy friend?" He looked uncomfortable broaching the subject.  
"No, you're more than that. You want me to call you my boyfriend? I thought we were still figuring things out." She wrapped her arm around his as they began walking.  
"We are. Sorry."  
"Don't be. The beach is the perfect place to discuss things. So full of life, even on a cold winter day. Waves crashing, one after the other, always that sense of renewal." She was looking out over the horizon. It was a very gray day. If you looked far enough, the sea level seemed to blend in with the clouds in the sky. "It's beautiful, Danny, thanks for sharing it with me." They were standing still now. He reached up to touch her cheek. As he leaned in to kiss her, she moved back. "Danny, there's people here."  
"You're being paranoid, CJ. Those people could care less what we do. The couple jogging? They're worried about staying warm and still making their best time. The couple walking the dog? They're so busy kissing, they don't even know where the dog is. You think someone's got a camera on us right now? Then, you're right, you're too nervous to even try this. It would be a waste of time for both of us and it's better we found out now, before we went any further." He started to walk again leaving CJ standing alone.   


She remained there for several very long minutes, then decided to catch up. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."  
"Yet you often do." That had been the first time he was honest about her ability to cause him pain.  
"I realize that now. I won't keep doing it."   
"Promises. Promises."  
"That word applies to many things, I see." She shivered a little. "I'm cold."  
"Come on, we can go back to the car so you can warm up."  
"I want you to warm me up here." She stepped closer to him so he could grasp the full meaning of her statement.  
"You want me to kiss you in public?" He put his arms around her waist.  
"You wanted to before." Her hands moved around his neck, pulling him closer to her. With her lips almost on his, she asked, "Did you change your mind?"  
His response let her know full well that he hadn't.   


They continued to walk along the beach and discuss how to work things out so both of them felt comfortable.   
"You know, I understand the need for secrecy, CJ, but you have got to relax. I would never deliberately put you in a situation that was going to cause you harm. I have to look out for both of us. I don't want to lose my job, either."  
"I know, you're right. I just get so nervous sometimes." She stood still so they could look at each other. "I couldn't believe it when you said 'I love you' to me. The feeling inside was absolutely incredible. Not only the sadness at not being able to be with you but just the power of your words and the lack of fear with which you said them. I could never have been so brave. I want to be with you. I want to make love with you and call you 'my boyfriend', I do. I just get scared and I gotta be honest about this, Danny, when I get scared in my personal life, I run. You're gonna have to be fast to catch up with me." She had tears in her eyes now. He smoothed them away.   
"They'll freeze in this weather. I can keep up. Just remember, sometimes you'll have to keep up with me. I'm not always the calm, cool, collected individual you see standing before you. I get scared, too. Honestly? Your reactions to me scare the hell out of me half the time. It's hard to know if I you're gonna kiss me or bite my head off."  
"Okay, well this time I'll make it very easy on you." She moved closer. "Daniel, I'm going to kiss you now. With a great deal of energy so you'd better be ready."   


They stayed at the beach until they were almost frozen human popsicles. Danny reminded CJ that even the restrooms were closed in the winter, then suggested they visit the Nubble Lighthouse.   
"There's a restaurant nearby. We could eat and you'd still get to see the ocean."  
"Sounds warm." She chuckled.  
"You should have said something. I mean, I liked all the snuggling but if you were truly that cold, we could have left sooner."  
"It's all right. Things are working out very well between us so far."  
"Yeah, once you get the fears out in the open, things seem much easier."  
"But they're really not, though, are they?" She kissed him to somehow soften the blow.  
"No, but as long as we are willing to work on things, we'll be okay." They began walking back to the car.  
"Danny, do you think we'll ever get tired of working on things? You know, just wake up one day and say 'The hell with this, I'm tired of always trying'?"  
"You're looking for a perfect relationship, CJ, and it doesn't exist. Not with me, not with Average Al, Billy Bob or Joe Schmoe, not with anyone. There are gonna be ups and downs and we either flow with them or we don't but I can't guarantee you perfection because that would be lying." He opened the car for her.  


When they got back to the cabin, CJ suggested they watch TV for awhile. Given that it was in Danny's room, they got comfortable on his bed. She snuggled into him until she was comfortable.   
"No news, CJ, just shows."   
After making a face at him, "Sure."   
They ended up watching some movie on cable. It wasn't particularly interesting but neither felt like moving away from the other to get the remote. When it was over, they decided to go for a walk.   
"Stay on the inside of the road because it's dark."  
"My protector." CJ teased him.   
"Just not looking for you to get run over. How would I explain that?"  
"You couldn't. We're not even lovers yet. The papers would be making a big mistake if they went with that angle."  
"Yet?" He kissed her.  
"The only word you heard. Danny-the eternal optimist."  
"Don't tease. Are we headed that way or not? Cause I thought we were."  
"Yes, we are so very close, Danny, you don't know." She hugged him, then they continued on the walk.   


This time upon returning to the cabin, they were in for the night. They had spent a lot of time making out on the walk. It just naturally continued when they got back.  
"Danny, I don't think we're ready for this yet." She said as she moved away from him a bit.  
"I think we are. Watch." He began kissing her again. When he moved her to the bed, she didn't resist. Only when he was lying down with her did she stop.  
"Danny, wait. When do you have to be back at work?"  
"Tuesday. Why?"  
"Me, too. I just don't want this to be a thing where you feel we have to make love before we leave."  
"It's not. We don't have to leave till Monday? Cool."  
"Very mature."  
"Sleep with me." Seeing the look on her face, he reiterated the 'sleep' part. "Just sleep with me. Even if I can't have you, at least I'd be unable to sleep with you in my arms rather then in the other room."  
"Okay. I can't believe how patient you're being but I'm thankful for it." She stood up to change for bed.  
"Yeah, that's me, Mr. Patient." He shook his head.   


This was the best dream about CJ that he had ever had. They were making out like teenagers. Rolling around on the bed. She had already removed his T-shirt. His hands were under hers and getting ready to take it off.   
"Danny, wait."  
"What?" He seemed dazed.  
"Stop. We can't do this yet. We forgot something."  
"Do what?"  
"Wake up, damnit!" She was getting angry.  
"I thought I was dreaming." He was looking around him, at the bed, at CJ.  
"Then I'm glad I stopped it when I did. Nothing like making love to someone when they're asleep." She got off the bed and started heading to her own room.  
"Were you totally awake, CJ?" He asked as he got off the bed.  
"Yes, I was perfectly aware of everything we were doing."  
"Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's just that I've had so many dreams about you."  
"That you can't tell reality from fantasy? That you can't tell when I'm really in your arms? Didn't you feel yourself moving?"  
"Yes. Look, I want you so badly. I'm not really Mr. Patient. I'm Mr. Human and I want to be with you. Now."  
"Me, too. I'm not worried about when it happens anymore. I want to make love with you. Here, in this cabin. I'm tired of being afraid. But, for God's sake, Danny, I want you awake when it happens." She went into her room while Danny headed for the shower.  


TBC

 


	5. Angst 3b

"Angst" 3 finale  
Disclaimer: still the same. Nothing could possibly go anywhere with all this snow. Ahh. The sweet sound of snow plows!  


When Danny came out of the shower, he went into CJ's room and laid down on her bed next to her. Putting his hand on her cheek, he noticed she had been crying. Taking her into his arms, he murmured softly to her.  
"I was not fully asleep. I was half and half, if that helps any. I knew you were really there." She moved to look up at him.  
"Then why did you let me go on thinking you were asleep?"  
"Because we didn't plan on making love then and I didn't want to spook you. I'm just sorry that I hurt you."  
"Then what did I say to you?"  
"That we forgot something. To wake up. Nothing like making love to someone who's asleep. I know you just asked about what YOU said, but I'll add a little something extra of my own. Just before you took my shirt off, you whispered how much you wanted me and the look on your face was exquisite. It'll forever be etched in my memory."  
"Then why?"  
"Because I know you're afraid of us being together intimately. I guess you figure once we make love there's no going back. We're gonna have to deal with everything that comes along as lovers instead of as friends becoming lovers. I could see how that would make you nervous. One good thing is that I got you to admit what you were feeling. I wish you would do that without so much prodding, CJ."  
"I'll try." She reached up to touch his face. "Hey, Mr. Human, you still want me?"  
"More then ever." He kissed her hungrily.  
"You mean you wasted all that cold water for nothing? What will Gary say?" She was pulling him down with her.  
"That I should never have gotten into the shower in the first place. That I should have followed you into this room and started doing this right away."  
"No. This worked out well."  
"But I made you cry." He was playing with her hair as he spoke.  
"So did Fear. I'm not good with relationships, Danny, you should probably know that before we go any further."  
"Oh, because I didn't figure that out myself the whole year that I've been chasing you." He went back to kissing her. "I don't want to stop this time. We're both awake and we both want to do this."  
"Ooommm, don't stop. We have everything, right?" She began to take his shirt off.  
Danny moved her hands down and fixed his shirt. "No, we don't."  
CJ sat up in the bed. "Why? I just assumed when you invited me to spend the weekend with you, that..."  
"I'm not presumptuous, CJ, and I didn't want you to think that I am."  
She moved into his arms. "It's okay. We'll wait till tomorrow then." They started kissing again. "It's okay. Tomorrow is not that far away." She smiled as they laid down together. "Stay with me though."  
"Sure, I'm closer to the shower from here." He pulled her closer to him to snuggle and try to fall asleep.   


In the morning, as they were going to eat breakfast, Gary waved to them.   
"How're things going?"   
"Great, Gary, couldn't be better."   
"Young Lady, you seem to have taken to Maine or is it just your tour guide?" He winked at Danny. "The cabin worked out nicely didn't it?"  
"Yes, the cabin worked wonders and Maine is a very nice place to visit."  
"Visit, huh? Then the glow is because of your tour guide. It's all right, not everyone is tough enough to be a Mainer, you know?" He was laughing now.  
"Hey, I'm tough."  
"CJ, relax, he's teasing. He's a kidder. He messes with his guests for amusement."  
"Go on, she probably just needs to eat." He waved at them.   


They hit the beach one last time figuring it would be a long while before they could vacation together again. Plus, they both wanted to spend as much time in the cabin as they could before they left on Monday.  
"Hey, Danny." She smiled suggestively at him while taking off her coat. "Hurry up and get undressed."   
"Why, would you happen to have something in mind?"  
"Oh, yeah, and it requires very little clothing. In fact, it requires none at all." She was pulling down the covers of Danny's bed as she spoke.   
"Hmm, sounds intriguing. Tell me more." He moved over to be with her by the bed.  
"Well, I saw you go into the gas station and they even gave you a bag so I'm now assuming that everything we need is here. Am I right?" She was taking off his shirt.  
"Yep. We're okay." Their kisses were getting more passionate as time went on. He started to put his hands under her shirt. "CJ?"  
"Ooommm, don't stop. I'll have to hurt you if you do."  
"Such violence. And you wonder why you frighten me at times? Do you really want our first time together to start out like this?" He was teasing her verbally and with his kisses. He knew that would drive her nuts.  
"Be quiet." She pushed him on the bed. "See? This is how I want to be kissed." She proceeded to show him exactly what she was looking for. Danny was only too happy to oblige.   


They made love many times that afternoon and throughout the night, staying awake well into the dawn of the new day. "I can't believe I was so afraid to take this step. I must have driven you nuts."  
"Yeah, you did. But you were well worth waiting for." He pulled her closer to him.   
"So were you, just in case you were wondering." She began kissing him again.  
"When I saw how you woke up yesterday morning, you know, with your hair all messed up, I wondered what you would look like after a night of passionate love making."  
She feigned surprise. "And?"  
"Beautiful. Nice glow, messy hair. You're ravishing."  
"Boy, you reporters say the nicest things." She blushed despite looking for the compliment.  
"The sun is coming up. We need to sleep a little for, in a few short hours, we let reality back in."  
"Don't rush it. We don't go back to work till tomorrow. That still gives us tonight at home with nobody knowing we're back." She smiled at him. She was beginning to fully realize they were really going to work on this. It'd be hard but worth it, she felt. Then, to break herself out of her reflections, "Ah, Mr. Human, you have great stamina."  
"So do you. I guess that's another advantage to waiting for each other till we're ready to jump into the subfreezing ocean to cool down."  
"We did wait a long time, huh?"  
"No, our relationship followed the natural course all relationships take. Are you kidding?" He raised her head to look at him.  
"Yes, actually, I am. Can't you tell yet?"  
"Usually but right now I'm sleep deprived."  


The end! 


End file.
